The Burden
Dark have been my dreams of late,
with this burden on my chest.
Frettingly I lie awake,
unable to find rest.
For Peace has wandered from my mind,
as I lie here all alone;
I wonder if again I’ll find
that Peace which is now gone.
That Peace which left when Sorrow came
and settled in my heart.
Such Sorrow swells again, again –
I fear it never shall depart.
Dark are these dreams that haunt my eyes,
as they close in restless sleep.
Oft times I fear ne’er shall I rise –
That shadows, my soul, shall keep.
Heavy is this cursed weight,
this burden of my soul;
I carry it with all my might,
but broken I’m no longer whole.
Broken, now the Sorrow flows –
My spirit drowns in grief!
Broken, with nowhere to go –
Ne’er shall I find relief!
Dark have been my dreams of late –
Here once again I cry.
Frettingly I lie awake,
with just one question – Why?
This poem has been a work in progress for a couple of weeks now, and I just finished it up today (I added the final verse). I’m happy with the way it is, but part of me wants to expand past the last verse, though I’m not sure where it would go. So any feedback regarding more verses, or just leaving it, would be most welcome. :)
November 16, 2011 at 10:15 am
Leave it. Poetry is a reflection of life, inner and outer, and sometimes that leaves us without resolution. Nice post!
November 16, 2011 at 11:57 am
That is very true, Cuhome! Ther more I think about it, the more I like the ending the way it is. :P
Thanks for the comment! :)
November 16, 2011 at 12:28 pm
GAH! Now I’m left in mystery, never knowing what the ‘why’ is that he wanted to know! Argh!!!
November 16, 2011 at 12:23 pm
First: Sorry I didn’t reply to your comment first. WordPress made me moderate it because you’re not using your other approved profile (the one with your picture).
Second: lol! But mystery is a good thing! And because he didn’t name what the burden was, or what the ‘why’ was, you can apply it to yourself. :P
November 16, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I love the ending. If you have the overhelming desire to add, then add before that last verse. I feel like it ties back to the beginning and in a sense expounds on the reflective quality of the poem.
You have such a flare and talent, I’m sure it would be a beautiful and touching piece of art either way.
November 16, 2011 at 12:36 pm
Thank you, Miss D! And you’re right, the ending does tie back to the beginning. I actually planned it that way (or rather, I should say inspiration led me to do that). Glad you picked up on it!
As for adding more verses before the last verse, I’m thinking I’m just going to leave it. I really like the pattern/repetition of the word “Dark” on the first, fourth, and seventh verses, with two verses in between each one. I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing until I was writing it out, but it just works so well that I don’t want to break up the pattern.
So methinks I’ll probably leave it. Thanks for the feedback! :)
November 16, 2011 at 12:42 pm
I agree with Miss D here that your ending ties back into the beginning just beautifully and it does expound on the reflective quality, brilliantly. I’m pleased to see you’ve decided to keep it as is ~ it seems complete to me as well and is a favorite. Nice work!
November 28, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Thanks so much, Jessie! And yes, I decided to leave it. There’s just no other way I could write it without changing the feel of the poem, and I really don’t want to do that. :P
November 28, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I like the idea of Sorrow “swelling”. You really personified the feelings well.
November 16, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Haha! I figured you were going to chide me for my use of alliteration “such sorrow swells.” xP
But thank you! To me, sorrow always seems to swell, to come and and go like the tide, so I thought that’d be an appopriate description. :)
November 16, 2011 at 12:53 pm
I read your poem and i just got to drink it up for me to taste that sorrow swelling like tide… and I felt it…its pretty heavy, tough and it’s hurting big and I don’t want it to settle in my heart that I wish Peace would come soon to rescue me…. LOL
I like it! Plus the rhyming and choices of words… thumbs up!
November 16, 2011 at 2:07 pm
Thanks, Dolly!! ^_^
November 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm
It’s perfect melancholy! Great poem. Beautiful
November 16, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Thanks, dude! :)
November 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm
Perfect the way it is. Remember the other day when I said your writing reminded me of Romantic poetry? This one in particular made me think of Frost at Midnight by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (his subject was kept awake at night by his thoughts too) http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/173242
November 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm
Oh my gosh! That’s such an amazing poem! I’ll admit, I wasn’t familiar with the poet, but I looked him up, and know now that he was rather famous. For my work to remind you of his, I take that as quite the compliment. Thank you! ^_^
And yes, I think I shall leave it as is :)
November 16, 2011 at 7:49 pm
I would leave the ending, as well. it’s fine to keep the mystery…very well written, word flow, rhyme, everything! I felt the sorrow while reading, very sad, but, beautiful.
November 16, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Thank you! It makes me smile that you felt the emotion. I believe that feeling emotion in poetry is essential, and I’m so glad you could feel it. :)
And, as I’ve already said, I’m going to leave it as is. ;P
November 16, 2011 at 7:55 pm
c’est beau monsieur! tres bien!
November 17, 2011 at 1:14 am
Ah! Merci! ^_^
And that is the extent of my French, but thank you very much for your kind (and beautiful) words. :)
November 17, 2011 at 1:25 am