Rock Bottom
I had forgotten things
could be this way.
How one moment
life can be grand
and special
and fun
and glorious…
and then the next…
I had forgotten how
it all can change –
how at the
drop of a dime
time can stop
and everything can
change.
How great adventures
can end in disaster,
how daydreams
can turn into nightmares,
how harmless exploring
can get yourself lost –
and I am
most certainly
lost.
I am lost because
I knew it all.
I am lost because
I could not fall.
At least,
I thought
I knew it all,
and now
I know that
I can fall.
The only problem
now is that
I’m not able to
get up.
It’s depressing,
I know,
but such is
my lot.
I have fallen and I
cannot get up.
Wisdom and Death
Wisdom.
The Maiden of Light.
Long did she court me,
beckoning me
to follow her ways,
to hear her voice,
to heed her instruction.
Long did she wait
for me to listen,
to bend my ear,
to understand
and learn.
But I was a fool,
and I believed I was
already wise.
And so I ignored her.
I stopped up my ears
and blocked out her voice,
and filled my mind
with the words of another.
And in my resistance to
Wisdom, another came forth,
creeping from the shadows.
Death was her name,
The Mistress of Night,
enticing me with
grandeur and glory…
and I fell.
I turned my back on Wisdom,
I walked away from Light,
and in the darkness,
I courted Death.
Having abandoned the Truth,
I fell into chaos, and
I relished in my filth,
I played and danced with fire,
I sang with drunken lust,
my cup filled with desire;
in the void, I drank of Death,
her nectar bittersweet.
I fooled myself that she was mine,
but I was hers to keep.
I lived as such for a time,
and for a time I thought
I had found peace…
But peace cannot live where
chaos dwells,
nor can Light exist
where Death is Queen,
and I was surely dead.
She snared my soul
when I was young,
and now my life
is over.
A hollow shell
I have become,
unable to even feel.
Nor can I see sweet
Wisdom’s Light,
for Death has
blinded me.
So heed these words,
my precious son,
even if they are not wise;
do not forsake
sweet Wisdom’s call,
and be careful not to fall
for the song of Death –
hold fast and strong,
and stay within
the Light.
Regret
I loved you once.
You may not remember,
or you may not believe me,
or maybe you chose to forget,
to block out the memories
like nightmarish dreams,
but…
there was a time when
your smile made me smile,
when your joy was mine,
when your voice
uplifted my soul.
But then something changed.
Something inside my heart
grew cold, like ice,
and shadows crept into
my mind, and then
I pushed you away.
I pushed you away and
cursed your existence
and shattered your
warm, loving heart.
I blamed you for my
darkness,
I blamed you for my
guilt.
You were the one who
drove me to
madness,
you made me
push you
away.
I was a fool
to believe this
deception.
I was a fool,
and am a fool now,
because now I realize that
you weren’t that one;
I was that one.
You were the one
who did not judge,
who did not scorn,
who did not hate.
You never hated
anything about me…
but I did.
I hated
everything
about
me.
I hated the fact that
you loved me so much.
I hated the fact that
you gave me your heart,
and that I was not able
to give you mine…
I tried though.
I tried to give you
my heart,
my love,
I tried to give you
my all,
my love…
but I failed…
It wasn’t always like that, though.
The hatred wasn’t always there.
There was some light
in my darkness.
There was some joy
in my despar.
There were times when I
would lose myself staring
into the depths of your
beautiful eyes.
There were times when I
would just hold your hand,
and let your warmth
seep into mine…
and I will never forget
or forgive myself
for crushing your heart
and running away,
for closing my heart
and running away.
I’m sorry, my love
for running away.
I am sorry
I ran
away.
Broken Down
He stared at the blank page,
bristling with frustration,
yet frozen with fright,
at the unspoken words
he wanted to write.
Should he whisper his secrets
and disclose his thoughts?
Confess all his feelings
and failings and flaws?
Should he dare to be open
and let down his guard;
to break down the walls
that surrounded his heart
and reveal who he was,
each worn, broken part?
He sighed and wept silently
as the fear cleaved his mind;
the fear of rejection
if someone might find
the words on the page
that his pen could not write.
Can a pen and a page
release you from hell?
Or is silence the curse of the
dead and the damned?
And cursed he was,
yes, cursed indeed;
cursed to live with his
burden of guilt,
the guilt of his past
and the fruits of his sins.
A pen and a page
could not even begin
to write out the story of
of all he had done.
And yet…
He could not shake
the feeling
that he needed to write.
That he needed to write
to right his wrongs;
to let his soul just
sing its songs
of grief and mourning
over what he had done,
to let the pain just
finally be gone.
Cracking his knuckles,
he picked up his pen,
and started to write those
songs of his soul.
To write so that
someday he might
feel whole.
To write and just
be free of it all.
Free from the pain.
Free from the shame.
And with each letter
his chains
let go…
Now
I am finally
free
Woven Anew
Once I was lost in the noise of this world,
suff’ring a life filled with pain,
until You uplifted my heart and my soul,
and broke off my shackles and chains.
Woven anew with the threads of Your Grace,
You stitched up what was torn apart;
Filled with compassion and mercy and love,
Your Hands held me close to Your Heart.
I am now free from my grief and despair,
from the curse and the pain of my sin;
Quickened to life by Your Spirit of Peace;
By grace, I have been born again.
Lord, Shelter my soul and safeguard my heart
from the toils and cares of each day.
Hold to my hand and strengthen my step
to walk in Your Holy Way.
Aha! (The Moment I Heard My Calling)
As this semester of school is winding down, I’ve found myself reevaluating what I thought I wanted to do with my life. For the last year, my mind has been focused on becoming a college professor, because I want to inspire people the way my professors have inspired me. I want to help people see things in new ways and pull apart issues and look deeper than just the surface, and I thought “what better place than a college classroom is there to do that? After all, that’s where I was inspired! Why not follow in the steps of my teachers?”
I honestly thought I wanted to be a professor. In fact, my dream job was to become a college professor and write professionally on the side. So many people told me that it was a perfect fit for me, and I was really fired up about going to school. But this semester has been a royal punch in the face. My workload is insane (as of right now, I have to start writing a 7-page rough draft, revise another paper, study for a Spanish final, read a chapter in my Sociolinguistics book, do my grammar homework, and read 50+ pages in a novel by Friday – on top of working 26 hours at my job!), and my professors (while helpful) have been consistently late in returning graded work (which is infuriating!). And even though I have enjoyed (most of) my classes, I’ve realized that the academic world is not where I want to be. Yes, I have learned a lot, and yes, I love to learn – but I don’t want to be in school forever! And being a college professor would mean exactly that. I would be swamped with papers to grade, books to read, people to talk to, chaos to control, and I would find myself stretched so thin that, by the end of the day, I wouldn’t have time for me. I wouldn’t have time to do the things that I truly want to do. And I know this will happen, because that’s exactly what’s happening now!
And then it hit me – I never wanted to be a college professor. I only thought I did because I saw the greatness of joy that comes from being the one to inspire people. I saw the passion my professors had and how they had the power to change the lives of their students, and I thought that the best way for me to inspire others was to copy the ones who inspired me. But that was my mistake. By trying to follow in the footsteps of those who came before me, I was denying myself the chance to carve out my own path and be the man God wants me to be. And the moment that clicked in my head, suddenly everything made sense.
I have not been called to teach a room full of college students.
I have been called to write.
I firmly believe with all of my heart that writing is my strongest God-given gift, but I didn’t realize that until these last few weeks. I’ve always loved to write – anyone who has been around me or read my work knows this – and I’ve always maintained the position that, whatever career path I choose, I must have the time and energy to write. It is my deepest passion. When I write, I feel at peace. When I don’t, I feel out of sync with myself. It’s as if I’m denying a part of myself to live, thus keeping the rest of myself from enjoying life to its fullest. Honestly, I think that’s part of the reason why this semester has been so stressful for me – I just haven’t had the time/energy to sit down and write! And that has been slowly eating away at me. It bothers me to no end when I want to write but can’t, and that is why I know I cannot be in a profession that demands so much time and energy that I can’t even properly express myself through words.
But self-expression is not the only reason I love to write.
I love to write because my words actually inspire people.
Earlier this year, someone I had just met (and who is now a dear friend) said to me, “your words mean something. Never forget that.” I thanked her, of course, but I didn’t really understand the power behind her words until just a few days ago. It’s one thing for someone to say “Oh! You’re such a great writer!” But it’s another thing entirely to be told that what you write, that what you feel in your heart and let pour onto page actually means something to someone… I could barely wrap my head around it! But when I finally did realize this, I understood that I don’t have to be in a classroom to inspire people. I don’t have to sit though hours of lectures and schoolwork.
All I have to do is open my heart and write.
So, does this mean I’m going to pursue a full-time writing career? Not exactly. I still have student loans that I’m sure the government will want paid in full shortly after I graduate, and I know that one cannot become a great writer/novelist overnight (though I do plan on becoming a published author). Until that time, though, I need a steady job that will generate enough income for me to stand on my own two feet and become financially stable before I dare to try my luck as a fledgling author. I’ve already got a few things in mind, and I’ve been talking with people to see what my options are, but no matter what I know one thing for certain.
I am a writer. First and foremost. Whatever happens, I will continue to write, and I will continue to write because my words mean something to people, because they mean something to me. I believe the Lord has placed this on my heart for a reason, and I will strive to the best of my ability to fulfill this calling.
And now I feel compelled to ask the you this:
What have you been called to do? Are you heading down the right path, or have you realized that what you’re doing isn’t what you’ve been called to do? We all have our gifts, and we have all been called to serve and live our lives in different ways. I realize, though, that you probably have a life that demands attention and resists change. I have been lucky enough to realize my calling early on in my life. But it is never too late to answer your calling, no matter your age or circumstance.
Whether you see it or not, God has blessed you with a gift; if you let Him, He can help it to bloom and grow, and I promise you that you will be blessed beyond measure. All you have to do is have faith in Him and know that, through Him, you are capable of anything.
Interning Adventures – The Meetings
Hello again! Just thought I’d give you all another update as to what I’ve been up to with my internship. It’s been fairly busy this past week, though mostly I’ve just been doing transcriptions (which I wrote about last time), so I shan’t bore you with the mundane details of that process. I will, however, share a couple of exciting things, because this past week has been awesome.
Trials to Blessings
It is absolutely amazing to me to see God move through your life. He can take a terrible situation – a situation where you feel as if you’ve sunk to your lowest point, where you feel that no one understands what you’re going through or experiencing – and turn it into an unfathomable opportunity for blessing beyond measure.
Let Me In
Why won’t you let me in?
Why are you shouldering
this life all alone?
Do you not see
that I love you?
Do you not see
that I want to be
there for you?
Somewhere We Stumbled
Drowning, my heart is
flooded with tears
as memories come of
all those great years
we spent with each other,
together, a team
that could conquer it all –
but not all, it seems.
The Best of Days
Hello Blogosphere!!!
*deep breath of joy/exhale of triumph*
Today is a good day. ^_^
Well, technically it’s nighttime here, and I have no idea what time it is where ever it is that YOU are reading this, but it’s a good day nonetheless.
Why, you ask?
Because I am officially caught up in my schoolwork! AND IT’S LESS THAN A MONTH UNTIL GRADUATION!!!!!!!
The Last Semester
It’s official.
Today was the first day of the end of my days at my community college.
I couldn’t be more ecstatic!
The Sweetest Thing
“How good, how sweet, how pleasant ’tis
When brethren all agree.”
~ Asa B. Everett
Those words express the sum of my feelings right now, as I have had one of the best weekends in recent memory.
What’s Done is Done
The other day I was reading Temple of the Winds, the fourth book in the Sword of Truth series, and one of the characters said something that really struck a chord in me:
“What’s done is done. We can only strive to shape the future – we cannot alter the past.”
